i'm supposed to be packing and sleeping, not furying.... dammit.

Friday Furies 17/9 - sleep. (or not...)

Ha, so it's Friday again. i get the feeling this blog is going to turn out to be just a Friday thing, haha. But seriously... i'm wayyy too tired to be motivated right now. So i'm going to rant about sleep. Except it won't be a rant because my energy levels will drop (again) in a minute and my fingers will be like, "screw you, i'm not going to keep this up for much longer." And i'll be like, "shut up, fingers, you should be used to me working you harder than any sane person so just keep typing or else i might kill you." Of course that would involve cutting off my fingers anyway and how would that benefit me? i couldn't keep writing the post anyway because i'd have no fingers and blood would be leaking all over my laptop which would probably make it difficult to do computerish things with. Also there'd be little bones and tiny muscles sort of in the way and it'd probably hurt a bit. There's also the issue of how to go about the dilemma. Because i'd be able to cut off one hand of fingers fine sure. i'd use my right hand and go cutcutcutsawsawsaw to the five fingers on my left hand. But what then? i'd have no fingers on my left hand to cut off my right hand fingers! i guess i could try using my right thumb and forefinger to cut off my pinky but i can imagine it could get a little difficult after that. i could try using my teeth maybe. Or hold my destructive weapon between my left arm and feet/stomach/otherpartofbody? Waitwaitwait what on EARTH am i talking about that has nothing to do with sleep at ALL. Maybe it's just highlighting my point. What's my point? Maybe it could be that sleep deprivation is bad and screws with your ability to judge whether you're making sense or bullshit. Or just make nonsensical  noises. Okay... i have noooo idea what i'm actually talking about anymore. i think i was going to say something about sleep but wowww i'm too tired. But it's Friday, i'm thinking. i need to rant about something! i don't know. i could rant but then i'd just waitwaitwait i'm thinking i should stop before i start repeating everything i've said just now. Apparently i do that. Just repeat things because i forget that i've even said them. i would read this thing to remind myself but really, there's too many words and not enough colour and honestly i'll just forget it again anyway. i think i need to make these posts easier to read because it's hurting my eyes just to look at all this writing. Maybe i should start using those paragraph things..

Like this?

And i should put pictures on, because pictures are (usually) easy to look at and if you're sleepy or lazy you don't have to bother reading the words. What am i saying? The title says sleep but i don't think i've even ranted about sleep at all. Have i? i don't know.

Oh, and Zazi, I LOVE MY FISHIES. DON'T BE LIKE RAWRRR. They have secret trapdoors where they go. Those ones you see are sometimes are only images because the real fishies are off having secret fun adventures and being correcttttttttttt

Friday Furies - 10/9 - Five Way Intersections

Here there are many five way intersections and it's really starting to annoy me. They make it very difficult to navigate the streets. The first time i hit one today was on my way down to the main road. To get to the other side of the street, i had to cross two roads. Do you know how complicated these things are? It doesn't like much. i mean there are four way intersections everywhere. You'd think adding another little road wouldn't do much, right? Wrong. Let's look at the situation. A four way intersection: cars travel in a straight line or turn at an angle of 90 degrees. The dynamics are simple. Step one:  The cars on the horizontal street wanting to travel straight through the lights, east or west, go. The little green man tells the pedestrians wanting to walk west or east to proceed their crossing the road safely. Step two: The cars wanting to turn the corner to travel north or south than do their driving. Step three: Their lights turn red. Step four: Repeat aforementioned steps, replacing east and west with north and south. Step five: Repeat. Done. You know when the little green man will tell you to walk and you know it won't take long. Now, let's look at scenario two: the five way intersection. i can tell you right now that the situation is far more complicated. So complicated, in fact, that i can't explain it here, because i have not a clue how it works. There are cars wanting to go straight, turn left, turn the other left, turn right, turn wherever. And it's not like you can even tell: a car will have its left indicator on but it could be turning either way - the first left, or the other left. So it makes it harder to jaywalk. Pedestrians want to cross everywhere. The car traffic lights follow no logical order, so how are you supposed to tell when the green man will tell you to go? So you're standing there waiting and it just never turns green. There are cars going everywhere and when you think it must be your turn by now, more cars come at you. So most people here resort to the obvious: fuck waiting for the green man, cross as you please. But again, this is very difficult to time. You have to check in five places for a start, and at least one of those places is harder to see more than a few meters away for oncoming traffic. Then there's the whole indication issue - which left is he wanting to turn to? And of course, in these busy streets, you know you're going to have to run, just in case the lights decide to change without warning or someone decides to turn suddenly and before you know it, there's chaos as people brake and hit their horns. Then there's always the awkwardness of realising you could have crossed, easily, but you're standing there like an idiot waiting for the green man because you're scared of these manic cars. Meanwhile people walk by you, look quickly for cars, and casually walk across. And whenever you try to do that you take two steps onto the road, and behold, your fears come true as you hear brakes and shouting. At this point, you have to retreat quickly back to the sidewalk with people all around seeing you in your shame as you wait, still, for the green man giving you the all clear. And even then , you find yourself rushing to get across because the people in their cars are impatient to turn and start doing so, edging closer toward you, threatening to knock you over if you take your time. i am yet to figure out how to conquer these mad intersections, but maybe one day i will find the solution.

Yes, there was an earthquake.

ii. 

She feels like playing monopoly, so we take the board out and take up our roles. We have infinite money and our own rules, until tremors shake our plastic houses and steal the colour.  Earthquakes shook our plastic lives. Rainbows in greyscale. Eight hundred. 

[i'm staring in the mirror, looking back at the person i hate.]

Yep, that's our city right now.

More photos here and here, my weekend story and details here.

Friday Furies 3/9 - School Changes.

Next year i'm supposed to start at a new school. Which, is not really good. i'm not the kind of person that copes well with change, especially as dramatic as this. It happened because we can't really afford to go to a private school anymore, and my parents and i are in the middle of a, *cough* rather large argument at the moment. i have two years of high school to go, after this year. i think the thing is is that i'm scared. i mean, i don't like my school. Most of the teachers are terrible, and chapels are boring, and they push habits of mind and key competencies FAR too much. i don't like it. But they're some things i do like about my school. A few teachers are really amazing. As in, they can actually teach, are passionate about their subject, and someone you can relate to outside of the subject. For example, i really love my music class. i mean, there's only seven of us in it plus the teacher. And we have good times, with cake and everything. i don't really want to talk about all the things i would miss though. Because it's too early to start being all depressed about leaving. As i said before, i'm scared more than anything. Because of who i am, i'm going to find it incredibly difficulty to adapt to an unfamiliar environment with new people and teachers and new everything. i'm not the kind of person that's easy to make friends with, let's be honest. i have no idea how my friends at school at the moment manage to put up with me. But they do, and i love them for it. But how am i going to find someone in a new school who will put up with me and my stupid observations and opinions and habits and everything? i am a very shy person, naturally. If you really know me sometimes that's hard to see. i am [mostly] fine when i'm with people i know and sort of trust. Okay, well, at least some of the time. But the moment you put someone i don't know in there? No. i completely shut down. i go into defense mode. Switch to 'quick do anything it takes to be invisible or at least come across as sort of normal or something' mode. And i just can't function. It take all my energy not to run away, so any attempts at conversation fail, obviously. i just can't do it. i'm too socially awkward to make friends myself. i haven't had much practice at it, see. i have to let people come to me because i simply can't put my side of the deal in. Fuck this.

part of it, none of it (2)

v.
The cold wind slams into our faces as we run down the street. The rain falls slow but heavy. The streetlights light the whole way down the street. Stop running. [Don't] look back at the house. The house we have looked at so many times like this before. i know every detail of that house. The alignment of the bricks and the way each charred red block cracks. The angle of the roof. The colour of the flowers in winter. The way the rotting weeds grow up the gate that never shuts. Like it was such a welcoming place. The concrete gnome that was kicked over years before that no one has bothered to pick up. The statue of the tiny carved angel in the front garden, her grey eyes always watching. One of her wings cracked and the rest of her split. Yes, i know that house far too well. We turn and keep walking in the shadows, neither of us speaking. There is nothing worth saying. Eight hundred and ninety.
[The midnight air will do you well.]

vi.
We reach the train tracks, her hand still clasped in mine. i can hear her breathing as we start tiptoeing up the steps. We get to the top and look down to the empty tracks. She clenches my hand tighter. Her nails dig into my freezing skin. "It's okay," i whisper. She starts to say something but stops. We both know that spoken words never fit together quite right. Words mean nothing now. We sit down on the decaying wood and paint, so we won't be tempted to jump. Nine hundred and fifty one. 
[We are no one.]

vii.
Our meaningless whispers rise into the darkness, the clouds and stars now responsible for keeping all our secrets. We look up for a star, any star, to wish on. But the clouds are too dark and the rain blurs our vision. We look at our watches for 11:11, but it has long past. We reach one thousand and start counting down. 
[Under the summer rain i burnt away.]

viii.
"We were crazy and we were free," she tells me, as she lies on the bridge, counting down the seconds until it will be over... Nine hundred and sixty nine. 
[What is lost can never be found.]

10 January, 2009. Arts Center. 

This was apparently taken on the tenth of January last year. It was the mural at the time outside the art gallery. i don't remember going to the art gallery but i remember this wall. It just seemed so.. true. So simple but saying too much. Or maybe it wasn't saying anything at all. Maybe it was just some artist who needed to make a deadline and this was the best he/she could come up with in one night. 

10 January, 2010. Personface's kitchen.

One year later, this is me in a kitchen/dining room thing with a couch and shit, and also Kelsey's hand and face. i'm not quite sure why her hand is on my back but there it is. i don't know who took the picture. i really like this photo for some reason. It's one of the very rare photos which a) has me in it and b) i do not hate that photo of me. Because it's just my hair and hoodie you can see, ahaha. This night was the day before Zara's birthday. Kels and i made this cake:

CAKE.

It was a Very Good cake, i must say. 

smoke.